As a psychotherapist based in Dublin, I often meet clients who are trying to make sense of challenging dynamics in their relationships, whether romantic, family-based, or even in work settings. What might seem like a collection of unrelated issues often turns out to be linked by a deeper, recurring theme: their attachment style. Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labelling yourself. It’s about exploring the emotional templates formed in childhood and how they continue to influence your relationships over time.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory, explores how the emotional bonds formed with our early caregivers shape the way we relate to others. These early interactions form mental frameworks that influence how we trust, connect and respond to closeness and conflict.
In therapy, we typically refer to four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. These aren’t fixed categories but rather patterns that can shift with increased awareness, support and life experiences.
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment usually had caregivers who were consistently responsive and emotionally present. They tend to be at ease with both closeness and autonomy, can manage conflict effectively and are generally comfortable giving and receiving support. As adults, they often experience fulfilling, stable relationships.
Anxious Attachment
Anxiously attached individuals may have had unpredictable caregiving, sometimes loving, sometimes distant. This inconsistency can foster a fear of abandonment and a strong desire for reassurance. As adults, they might seek closeness but also feel insecure, often worrying about their partner’s feelings or responses.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment often develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive. Children in these situations may learn to minimise emotional needs and prioritise self-reliance. In adult relationships, this can look like discomfort with intimacy, emotional distancing and a preference for independence over connection.
Disorganised Attachment
Disorganised attachment can arise from environments where caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear, often due to trauma or erratic behaviour. This can result in a conflicted approach to relationships, where individuals crave closeness but also feel unsafe in it. Relationships can be intense, unpredictable and emotionally overwhelming.
Do Attachment Styles Change?
Attachment styles are not set in stone. They are adaptive strategies developed to navigate early relationships. Through personal growth and therapeutic work, individuals can move toward a more secure attachment style. Supportive relationships and healing experiences can significantly influence these patterns over time.
Life transitions like forming a long-term partnership, becoming a parent or developing deep friendships can all reshape attachment patterns. Conversely, experiences like loss or betrayal can temporarily activate less secure tendencies.
Attachment in Romantic Relationships
Romantic partnerships often bring attachment dynamics into sharp focus. For instance, someone with an anxious style might be drawn to someone with avoidant tendencies, creating a frustrating push-pull cycle. Therapy can help individuals and couples recognise these patterns, improve communication and build a more secure emotional connection.
Attachment in Friendships and Work Settings
Attachment styles also affect our interactions outside of romantic relationships. A securely attached person might navigate workplace tensions or form lasting friendships more easily. Conversely, avoidant tendencies might lead someone to keep emotional distance, while anxious tendencies could show up as difficulty setting boundaries or a strong need for approval.
Healing Through Therapy
Therapy offers a safe, reflective space to explore your attachment story. A consistent, supportive therapeutic relationship can itself be a healing experience, helping clients develop new ways of relating that feel safer and more secure. Over time, many people find they can build relationships that are more connected, balanced and satisfying.
Whether you’re working through current relationship challenges or simply curious about your patterns, exploring your attachment style can be a powerful step toward personal growth. It invites compassion for your past while creating the possibility for healthier, more connected relationships in the future.
If you would like to explore this in a safe, supportive setting, feel free to reach out.
