You may notice that, as soon as you enter your family home, you slip back into an old version of yourself. The responsible one, the peacekeeper, the quiet one or the one who always lightens the mood. These roles may have developed for good reasons when you were younger.

As an adult, however, they can feel restrictive. Perhaps you feel pressure to keep everyone happy, even when you are exhausted. Or you might notice your voice getting smaller around certain relatives, despite feeling confident in other areas of your life.

Family dynamics are powerful because they are often connected with early attachment experiences. A comment from a parent can feel sharper than the same words from someone else. Small disagreements can carry layers of history beneath them. Around Christmas and other gatherings, expectations can be high. You might hope for a different atmosphere or more understanding and feel disappointed or hurt when old patterns repeat. It is common to have mixed feelings, including love, resentment and sadness all at once.

Boundaries As A Form Of Care

Boundaries are not about punishment. They are about recognising your limits and what helps you stay grounded. This might look like:

• Choosing how long to stay at a particular event
• Deciding which topics you will not engage with
• Planning breaks to get some air or step outside
• Asking a supportive person to check in with you

In therapy, we can explore what boundaries might be possible in your specific situation and the feelings that arise when you imagine putting them in place. Often there can be guilt or fear of conflict, which we can also work with.

Bringing Compassion To Your Story

It can be tempting to see family patterns only in terms of blame. While there may be real hurt that needs to be acknowledged, it can also be helpful to understand the wider context. What was your parents or caregivers upbringing like? What stories were passed down through generations?

This does not excuse harmful behaviour, but it can soften harsh self-judgement and make room for a more nuanced understanding of why your family works as it does.

How Therapy Can Support You

Psychotherapy offers a quiet space away from family where your experience can be heard without taking sides. Together we can:

• Map out your family roles and how they developed
• Explore loyalty conflicts and feelings of being “caught in the middle”
• Practice language for setting gentle but firm boundaries
• Consider what kind of contact feels sustainable for you

Over time, you may find that you relate to your family from a more grounded place, with greater clarity about what you can and cannot offer.

If you are finding family dynamics particularly difficult at this time of year, you do not have to carry it alone. 

Get in touch to find out more about online and in person sessions.